So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
