It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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