you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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