Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
