Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
