I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
