like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
