I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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