Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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