You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
