I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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