I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
