He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
