I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
