i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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