so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
me + whiskey = a bad person
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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