Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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