Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
