why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Someone stole a lamp last night.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
