Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
