I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
