The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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