Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
