Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
