Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
