I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
