Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
