her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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