Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
