can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
