my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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