at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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