That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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