There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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