We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
