I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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