My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
