I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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