the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
