Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
