i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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