hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
