I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
