New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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