thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
