I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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