If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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