everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
