meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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