So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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